The Nerve of Some People! (Or Why eHarmony is Like the Gong Show)

I just have to rant here. Something just happened that really got my goat.

 I am currently on eHarmony. I have mixed reviews about the site (that’s a whole ‘nother post).  Anyway for those of you not familiar, they have you take a pretty detailed personality test and then match you on their 29 dimensions of compatability.  They also take into account things like spirituality/faith, geography, as well as some personal preferences you spell out. For example, they asked me how important height is. I said important. I’m 5’11” and though I’d date someone a little shorter, I don’t exactly feel feminine towering over some guy. (Incidentally, in my experience,  it bothers the men way more than it does me.)  At any rate, despite my saying it’s important, I still get matches that are 5’7″ or 5’8″. Makes me wonder why they bother to ask that question.  So I digress.  After they send you matches based on personality, you have the option of going through the following steps….

1.  Multiple choice questions. You pick from a list of about 30-40 multiple choice questions to send. (These don’t really tell you a whole lot, but I guess they are starting you out small in this little process they call “guided communication”). 

2.  Must haves/can’t stands. You choose 10 of each from a long list. For example, the “can’t stand” list includes everything from infidelity, rudeness, sloppiness, to pornography use.  They cover all the bases. Basically it’s your chance to pick the worst of all evils and the best of all glowing character traits. Step 2 is sharing the list with each other.  (Seems like a good idea, but I secretly wonder if that just gives them a heads up on what flaws they need to hide.)

3. Open ended questions. You can either choose 3 or write 3 of your own essay questions. I tend to write my own. Might as well cut to the chase. Don’t wanna waste my time with “what are your 3 best qualities” (they already kind of answer this in their profile). I go straight for the things like, “Have you ever been married and if so why did it not work out. If not, why do you think that is?”. I know that’s a tough question that I don’t like answering myself, but it tells you a lot of need-to-know information.  If I’m spending money on this deal, I’m not going to waste my time being penpals for months before finding out there’s some big red flag.

450px-gandingan_01-1.jpg4. Stage 4 is open communication. If you make it through the first 3 phases (and let me tell you sometimes it feels like the gong show. One wrong move and you’re outta there.) then you are free to exchange emails through the site.  This rarely happens. Somewhere between phase 1 and 2, most men that write me fall off the face of the earth. This is probably due to them meeting someone else or their membership expiring, but it is frustrating nonetheless (no, I don’t think any of my answers to the petty multiple choice questions are deal breakers).  So to get to the ever-elusive “open communication” is quite an accomplishment.

Now, with all that said, on to the story.  A seemingly nice guy wrote to me and we made it past the gong and into open communication. We exchanged a few emails and he was looking pretty promising. Seemed to have lots of qualities I’m looking for. On about email 2 or 3 from him, he dropped this bomb….

821920_hookah-1.jpg“I wanted to tell you up front now that I do smoke, but I am honestly serious about quitting in the near future. Maybe you can understand what I mean since you’ve been on eHarmony and sometimes there is not many matches, but I would rather get matched to someone first, then bring this up, rather than not get any matches in the first place. I’ve found that probably at least half the time, it’s not a deal break, even thoguh someone may not like it.”

What?! Are you kidding me? His profile said “Smoking: never”, but as you can see he had an explanation for this.  I was not happy. I wrote him the following (and thought I was very nice about it considering how miffed I was that he lied through his teeth to start with):

Thanks for being honest with me now, but unfortunately the smoking thing is a deal breaker. I don’t want to marry a smoker (and the thought of kissing one is not very appealing either to be honest). Not sure how your method is working for you, but my advice is that some women will be more turned off by the fact that you were not honest about it than the smoking itself. If you don’t want to marry another smoker, then why not quit now? I think women realize that you can’t change a man and therefore will be too scared to date a smoker who thinks he will quit in the near future. Anyway, I hope for your health, you choose to make that step. I wish you all the best.” 

 Was that terribly harsh? I didn’t think so, but this is the “you have some nerve” part of the story…..He actually wrote back to tell me this….

“Well I am serious abotu quitting smoking real soon. As far as the honesty thing.. I am honest. That is why I told you now. I am probably one of the most honest people you could ever know. The thing is, sure soem women may be turned off by that fact, but I never would have an opportunity to even get the match and explain things in the first place. Not sure why that was hard to understand. It’s also not like quitting smoking is the same thing as changing a person. That is a ridiculous comparison.

Honestly, you really come across as someone with a real self-righteous attitude. You know, I am a super nice guy, and have as good of a heart as anyone you’d ever know, and treat a person great. I know the smoking is not a good thing, and that, along with my health (which is fine) is why I want to quit.

If you don’t want to give me a chance, then so be it. Take care.”

 Incidentally I love that after calling me ridiculous and self-righteous, he still tells me to take care.  Oh well, his spelling and grammar were bad anyway (kidding; okay, only partially kidding).  😉

Sigh. I feel better now. (Insert resounding gong sound here). 

~ by tawnyamarie on November 13, 2007.

7 Responses to “The Nerve of Some People! (Or Why eHarmony is Like the Gong Show)”

  1. Wow. I totally agree with you. He lied. And my friend Tawnya is nowhere near self-righteous! I really can hardly believe you had a round of commumication that ridiculous with someone. My E-Harmony experience is going about that well, too.

  2. Thanks Emily. Yep, pretty ridiculous. I didn’t even bother to respond to that last email of his.

  3. He shouldn’t have lied. When I realized I violated one of the Can’t Stands or didn’t have one of the Must Haves, that was it. I was truly looking for someone compatible with ME, not with a false front or “what I hope to be”. It worked, too. I found my wife and the mother of my child. -Ken

  4. I agree that the honesty (in this case the lack thereof) is way more important than smoking. If he had said “Smoking: Quitter” or “Smoking: Chimney, but hoping for summer” that would have been honest. Niceness doesn’t matter if there are lies. It is NOT self-righteous of YOU that you pointed out that HE LIED. He blew his chance with you like so much smoke. (yeah, the puns are intended)

    I know there are Christian sites out there. You at least start on similar ground. Anyway, don’t give up on the thought just because some guy couldn’t get over himself. God is just helping you prepare for the ONE who is perfect for you.

  5. Dear Tawnyamerie: You will find the right guy. What are some of dreams and desires? What are some of desires that God is putting on your heart? What type of ministry would you like to share in with your husband-to-be? What are some of the goals you would like to share as a couple? Tell us who would be the perfect man for you.

  6. Oh, my gosh! I read this and cracked up laughing. Seems I am not the only person ever duped by a “nice person” who has no problem lying to cover up flaws that they claim to be “working on.” Suffice it to say, I gave him the boot, too. The “addictive behavior” is bad enough, but coupled with lying – burn rubber outa there!

    Good for you for having (and using) good common sense.

  7. I love how he proclaims that he is the most honest person you’ll ever meet … As he’s explaining his way out of the lie he told. LOL

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